January 6, 2011

I am simply amazed time and time again at the goodness of my Lord. I have been really struggling the past 2 days with lesson planning. The Zambian way of teaching is very different and there has been no time to really train or prepare me in the new format. But I am confident this is what God has called me to do, thus he will give me the strength and resources I need to do my job well, to his glory and honor.

Wednesday I got to school early, an hour before the other teachers arrived just to spend some much needed time “catching up” on planning. I had already finished the 1^st term overview planning for all subjects but needed to work on my weekly, more detailed plans. Many of the teachers have finished their plans and are starting on the charts for the walls. We don’t have the luxury of going to a local teaching supply store to get charts; we have to make them on our own. I sat once again in the shade of the trees working on my lessons and humming worship songs as I diligently worked. When the head teacher arrived she came to see what I was doing and to my dismay I learned that the format I had used in the weekly lesson plans was wrong. So, that hour of work I did…wasted, or so I thought. Next we began discussing phonics and I learned that the “American phonics” is not used at all here in Zambia. They use the British’s phonics system, which is a good bit different. The head teacher explained to me the importance of learning this pronunciation and that the children need to learn it this way in order to succeed in their higher education. Her intention was not to discourage me or reprimanding me but in my sin my response was quickly going down hill. I sat thinking about all my failures so far, the wrong lesson plans and not knowing the “correct” phonics. These thoughts raced through my mind: I am going to screw these kids up, I don’t belong here, I will do more harm than good, I am failing before I even start. My eyes began to well up with tears as the teacher slowly and emphatically was pronouncing the phonics sounds and having me repeat them. In my pride I felt like a fool. When finished I took a walk around the grounds of the school, I knew my focus was off and I needed to shift it off myself and back on the Lord. I cried out to him and asked him to help me to set my eyes on him and took some time to reflect on verses like, “ I can do all things who gives me strength.” I went back to work, still a bit emotional but determined to fix my eyes on the Lord. For where does my help come from? My help comes from the maker of heaven and earth.

That night after I got home I spent time in prayer and in the word. I was so emotional and partly due to the fact that I was missing my family. I was thinking how nice it would be to just pull up to my parents place and just spend time with them and talk to them about my hard day at work. Even for a moment. I am thankful that I was able to talk to both my mother and father on the phone that night, even though it is not the same. As I lay in my bed I realized that this was yet another opportunity for God to work on my heart. I was thinking, “I need my family” and he was telling me, “You need me” All I could do was cry, and I have not cried like that in a while. I audibly cried out to him, confessing my sin and telling him specifically how I needed him. This turned into a time of sweet worship as he brought songs to my mind. One in particular rang in my mind over and over again and I just kept singing it..”better is one day in your house, better is one day in your courts, better is one day in your house than thousands elsewhere, my heart and flesh cry out, for you the living God, your spirits water for my soul, I’ve tasted and I’ve seen, come once again to me, I will draw near to you, I will draw near to you” That song got me thinking so I went and grabbed my bible to meditate on the scripture that song is based on, Psalm 84 which reads:

“How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord Almighty! My soul yearns and even faints for the courts of the Lord; my heart and flesh cry out for the living God. Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young-a place near your alter. O lord Almighty, my king and my God. Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion. Hear my prayers, O Lord God Almighty; listen to me, O God of Jacob. Look upon our shield, O God; look with favor on your anointed one. Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked. For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you. “

Does it get any clearer? Any more specific? Any more encouraging? Now, may the Lord change my heart so that I say and believe, “better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere!” One day in his courts is better than thousands with my family? Do I believe that? I know its true but do I truly cling to that? Not fully but God is prying my hands away from all that I cling to in order to free both my hands to cling to him. So for that I am thankful, even though it is difficult.